IKEA Monkey

I like to draw personalized chalkboard pictures for houseguests and others who come to our home.

While we are out of town next week, our friend Bryan (AlmightyDuckness) will be house/dog-sitting for us. I asked him what I could buy to stock the fridge and pantry for him. “Bacon and eggs.” Anything else? “Just bacon and eggs.”

Please and thank you.

clambistro:

Also, despite everything I’ve said about taking the ALS challenge seriously, this is my favourite of all videos. 

The fucking best.

It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: William McDaniel

Screencap via Google Maps

The incident: A man discovered that a stripper wouldn't have sex with him.

The appropriate response: Not having sex with the stripper.

The actual response: He called the cops.

On Saturday, 53-year-old William McDaniel spent the evening at Sagebrush Sam's Exotic Dance Club and Casino in Rocker, Montana.

According to reports, William paid a stripper $350 for a private dance. After the private dance, the stripper did not have sex with him. 

Once he'd realized that he'd just spent $350 for just a private dance at a strip club in rural Montana, William called 911 to register a consumer complaint. 

Police responded to the call, but, obviously, not to make the stripper have sex with him. William was arrested and charged for offering money for sexual favors. 

He was released Sunday morning after posting a $550 bond. 

The Smoking Gun quoted a Yelp review of Sagebrush Sam's, the strip club where this took place. It is, apparently, "dirty and smells like vomit." The man who wrote the review said he "will not go back."

Cry-Baby #2: An unnamed woman in South Carolina

Screencaps via WAGT26

The incident: A woman said "fuck" while grocery shopping.

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: She was arrested.

Last week, 27-year-old mother of two Danielle Wolf was shopping at a Kroger store in North Augusta, South Carolina.

At some point, after noticing that her kids were squashing the bread in her shopping cart, she told them off. According to the police report, Danielle said, "stop squeezing the fucking bread."

Danielle says, at that point, she was approached by another customer who chastized her for swearing. "She's like, 'You said the F-word,' " Danielle told WAGT26.

The woman, who has not been named, then called the police to tell them what had happened. 

Amazingly, because North Augusta law dictates that using "bawdy, lewd, or obscene language" while "in the presence of another" qualifies as "disorderly conduct," Danielle was handcuffed and arrested.

"He was like, 'You're under arrest.' Right in front of kids, in front of my husband, in front of customers." said Danielle, of the officer who arrested her.

After booking, Danielle was released. She is due to appear in court on September 12th. 

Several days after the incident, the woman who called the police contacted Danielle to apologize. She said that seeing her swear at her children reminded her of her own abusive childhood, which might make her the most decent person to have ever appeared in this column.

Which one of these guys is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll down here:

Who is the bigger cry-baby?

Previously: A church who cancelled a man's funeral because he was gay vs. a woman who attacked someone over the length of their shorts

Winner: The homophobic church!

Is it strange that I look forward to the blooper reel of TV shows more than the show itself? It's kind of like being in on the joke with the glamorous cast and basically glamorous crew except they go home to the comfort of their massive paychecks and I go home to soul crushing debt and general ennui. SAME DIFF LOL.

Read more...

A St. Louis County cop was disciplined after a video showed him railing about his past and perhaps future as "a killer," police said.

Kai Zan is far from the new kid on the block, but as one of Chicago’s 69 2014 Michelin Bib Gourmand restaurants it should be on every Chicagoan’s radar. Bib Gourmand’s designations alert diners of restaurants with great value, which the guide defines as two courses and a glass of wine or dessert for $40 or less, not including tax and gratuity.

Identical Twin owners and chefs Melvin and Carlo Vizconde have over 15 years of experience including stints at Kamehachi, Kizoku, and Kyoto. Since 2012 they have been serving up creative and tastefully simple Japanese food in their small Humboldt Park establishment.

Kai Zan focuses on “Omakase” style dining, a Japanese phrase that means “It’s up to you” or “chef’s choice”. They encourage guest to let the server know about personal taste preferences upon arrival which will be used to create individualized maki and sushi creations. The Omakase Chef’s Choice menu offers diners a 10-12 course prefix for $60 (depending on market prices).

The interior is intimate and casual. Unlike many small sushi restaurants that maximize space by decreasing your personal space, Kai Zan has booths lining the wall that feel spacious and personal thanks to trendy dividers. If you’re up for it, I highly recommend trying to get a spot at the sushi bar so you can get a first hand glimpse at the care put into making each dish.

We regretfully did not do the Omakase menu though we were still able to sample many options for $100 including tax and tip. Kai Zan is BYOB with a $15 one time corkage fee for tables of 2.

We started out with the delicious Maguro Pearls appetizer which consist of 4 bite sized rice spheres topped with fresh tuna, spicy mayo, chili oil and creamy wasabi. The Kushi Lava Rock Char Broiled Skewers were all priced low and the smoky flavor from the grill adds an extra layer of interest. The scallop and pork belly were both delicious, and with four small scallops they were perfect split between two. The star of the night was the sushi, the Angry Crab and Orange Rush both at ($9 and $10 respectively for 2 pieces) were outstanding.

The Angry Crab was a bite I will not soon forget. A medium-thin sliced piece of tender pink tuna wrapped around a ball of fresh lump crab meat and topped with crunchy panko. The quality of the fish really stood out in the simple preparation and the creative presentation was a feast for the eyes as well. The Flaming Tuna Roll at $14 for 8 pieces was a bit more traditional and, while delicious, it left me wanting a little more excitement. For dessert we devoured the chocolate lava cake and homemade cheesecake with seasonal berries. The sesame ice cream on the chocolate lava cake tasted lightly of peanut butter and was divine.

For the more adventurous eaters, the uni and oyster shooters served with a raw quail egg are very popular. For those who don’t favor raw fish the skewers are a great option and they offer some other great choices under the Teppan Yaki Grill portion of the menu. Including a Yaki Soba dish consisting of soba noodles and seasonal vegetables with an option to add a protein, the large potion we saw being plated up looked delicious.

Kai Zan
2557 W. Chicago Ave (Humboldt Park,  street parking available)

Reservations are recommended: 5-10 p.m. Sunday-Thursday; 5-11 p.m. Friday-Saturday; closed Wednesday.

In a symbolic gesture born of frustration, the town of Nucla, Colorado, passed an ordinance requiring the head of every household to own a firearm.

Who comes up with the idea to get Nick Offerman to read Reddit posts? Whoever they are, they deserve a medal/giant, collective Internet kiss.

Read more...

Here we go again! Another volcano in Iceland is acting up and airlines have been put on alert. CNN's Jim Boulden reports.

Remember Ethan Couch? The teen who avoided prison after killing four people while driving under the influence because he suffered from "affluenza," the terrible condition of being too privileged? Well his father may suffer from a similar condition—he was busted last month for impersonating a cop.

Read more...

Aaaaaahahahahahahaha. Hahahahahaahahaaha. Haa. Hahaha. Hahahaahahahaah. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahhaaa. Hahahah. AHAHAHAHAHA. HAHAHA. Hahahah. Hahaaahahahhahaahhaa.

Read more...

Our sweet little sister site Happy Nice Time People, what is watching 19 Clowns in a Uterus so we don’t have to, has a very important public service announcement from perpetually pregnant Michelle Duggar:

You see, Michelle is VERY concerned that some people in Fayetteville, Ark., (a place she does not live) might be wearing the wrong covering over the wrong genitalia!

“Hello, this is Michelle Duggar. I’m calling to inform you of some shocking news that would affect the safety of Northwest Arkansas women and children,” she warns in a robo-call. “The Fayetteville City Council is voting on an ordinance this Tuesday night that would allow men – yes, I said men – to use women’s and girls’ restrooms, locker rooms, showers, sleeping areas and other areas that are designated for females only.”

Yes, she said men! Including “males with past child predator convictions!”

Why is the nefarious Fayetteville City Council forcing your innocent daughter to go pee-pee next to men who’ve been convicted of preying on children?

Fayetteville City Attorney Kit Williams takes a somewhat less sensationalized approach: “This ordinance does allow transgender people to use the bathroom in which they feel most comfortable and physically safe.”

What EVER, Kit Williams. We all know that “transgender” is just a fancy word for pedophiles. You cannot fool Michelle Duggar! And you cannot make her 31 daughters or however many she has at the moment use the same restrooms in Fayetteville as those child predators, even though Michelle does not live in Fayetteville, and this is a local ordinance that would not affect her or her daughters in any way, but STILL!

Sigh, groan, barf. How’s about Michelle stays out of politics that is not even in her own backyard and sticks to doing the one thing she actually does know how to do: being famous on the tee vee for popping out the most kids ever.

Now please go show Happy some love.

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Describing him as frequently frustrated and overwhelmed, sources confirmed Monday that local Facebook user Michael Huffman is incredibly stupid.

Via Gapers Block comes video purportedly showing bed bugs on the CTA Red Line. [ more › ]

An otter attacked a 12-year-old girl while she was swimming in a lake near Luck, Wisconsin. CNN affiliate WCCO reports.

It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:

Cry-Baby #1: TW Jenkins

Julion Evans, Kendall Capers, and Pastor TW Jenkins. Screencaps via KSDK

The incident: A church found out that a man they were scheduled to hold a funeral for was gay.

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: They canceled the funeral. 

Last week, 42-year-old Julion Evans died of a condition called amyloidosis. He was due to be buried at New Hope Missionary Baptist Church in Tampa, Florida—a church that he and his family were members of. 

The day before the funeral was scheduled to take place, someone from the church called Julion's mother to tell her that the funeral was canceled. She received the call during Julion's wake, while she was standing over his coffin.

According to KSDK, the church canceled after noticing in Julion's obituary that he had been married to a man. 

TW Jenkins, pastor of New Hope, spoke with a reporter from the network and confirmed that they'd canceled the funeral because Julion was gay. "I try not to condemn anyone's lifestyle," he said. "But at the same time, I am a man of God and have to stand upon my principles." Which suggests TW could stand to try a little harder to not condemn lifestyles.

The pastor had also agreed to be interviewed on camera by KSDK, but refused to answer the door when a reporter went to speak to him. So maybe he's just kinda flaky when it comes to making plans. 

"Regardless of our background, our sexual orientation, how can you wait that long and put someone in a bind when they're going through a loss?" said Julion's widow, Kendall Capers. 

Julion's funeral instead took place at a nearby funeral home. He and Kendall had recently gotten married in Maryland. They had been a couple for 17 years. 

:(

Cry-Baby #2: Alicia Rae Hanson

A stock photo of some short shorts via Wikimedia Commons

The incident: A woman wore short shorts to a party.

The appropriate response: Nothing.

The actual response: Another woman beat the shit out of her.

Back in June, 25-year-old Alicia Rae Hanson was at a company barbecue organized by a tree service company in Snohomish, Washington.

According to court papers filed last week by Snohomish County prosecutors, Alicia was not too happy with the outfit being worn by an employee's girlfriend. 

Alicia is alleged to have confronted the woman about her shorts. According to court papers, she began "claiming that they were too short for the barbecue and acting in an aggressive manner." 

A few minutes later, Alicia allegedly ran up to the woman and punched her, knocking her to the ground. Witnesses say she then jumped on top of the victim, before repeatedly hitting her in the face and pulling her hair out. 

Onlookers pulled the two apart and called the police. According to a report in the town's local paper, police arrived to find "a pile of blond hair extensions on a table," which had been pulled from the victim's head.

Alicia was arrested and charged with felony second-degree assault. Her victim sustained broken facial bones and bleeding from her eye in the attack. 

At the time of press, no news reports mention how short the short shorts were.

Which of these guys is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll down here. Thanks.

Who is the bigger cry-baby?

Previously: A woman who cried because there was mold in her burger buns vs. a woman who called the cops because her son was watching porn

Winner: The porn mom!!!

Follow Jamie Lee Curtis Taete on Twitter

On Wednesday night, the police in Ferguson, Missouri wanted everyone to clear out of the local McDonald’s, which had turned into a makeshift media center with reporters charging their phones and using the wifi to file stories about the protests only a few blocks away. When officers ordered all the patrons to leave, Washington Post reporter Wesley Lowery made two fateful missteps: he did not snap to and flee immediately and furthermore would not stop running his pesky camera.

Lowery described being slammed into a soda dispenser and arrested when he got confused about which door the police wanted him to leave through. Lowery, along with Ryan J. Reilly of the Huffington Post, was restrained with plastic zip-ties and hauled off to jail. When the chief of police found out, he intervened to have the two of them released without charge as “a favor.”

Lowery and Reilly really, really wanted to know which officers had given them a free ride to the jail, just to thank them, but those cops, they were so modest! Just a little Show-Me State hospitality. No need for tiny details like names or badge numbers. We’re all friends here. You have a good night now, gentlemen.

We are pleased to note that racial enlightenment seems to have taken hold with the authorities in Ferguson, since they arrested one white reporter and one black reporter. Progress!

Oh, but they might want to see about that St. Louis alderman they won’t confirm is in their custody. When they have a minute. We know they’re “very busy.” Also, they should get back to the state senator who represents Ferguson and would like to know how many more times she should plan on getting gassed alongside her constituents.

Senator Chappelle-Nadal seems like a  nice lady, so we hope she was not too close by last night when police told the media to stop filming and busted out their sonic crowd control weapon, which has a starring role in the somewhat chaotic and annoyingly-narrated video below (Wonket A/V advises you to TURN YOUR SPEAKERS DOWN). When the crowd managed to hang in despite the indescribable noise, which is designed to drive protesters away by causing physical pain to the eardrum, the police upped the ante with teargas and rubber bullets.

The local Fox affiliate, having shut down their live camera at the (bullshit) request of police, did manage to somewhat redeem itself with a lengthy segment on Wednesday’s late news about the racial demographics of the police department in Ferguson and the jaw-dropping racial disparity in the car stops and searches they conduct, as laid out in a report from the Missouri Attorney General. While we love government transparency as much as the next mommyblog, we humbly submit that merely shaming the agencies in question with facts and numbers might fall somewhat short of a solution.

By the time the police swooped in to hustle the press out of McDonald’s, Ferguson was entering its fifth day of unrest after the police shooting of an unarmed black teenager on Saturday. Demands from the community for answers and change in the police department have led to largely peaceful protests, a few of which have devolved into looting and vandalism. Law enforcement responded by deploying all the fun paramilitary toys that we guess they don’t get to play with nearly as much as they’d like. The police have so far refused to release the name of the officer who shot Mike Brown, claiming they fear for his safety, but time might be running out since Anonymous is working its black magic and will probably unmask him soon.

The protesters should know, though, that the jig is up for them as well. Real America has figured out that this is not actually a spontaneous reaction to police aggression, but simply an excuse for Obama’s Chicago Sleeper Cells to activate. Chris Loesch, husband of Dana, lay it out for us:

Let us help you a bit in your interaction with fact-based reality here, Mr. Loesch. Maybe there are some people from Chicago, anarcho-communist or non, who came to Ferguson because what happened in Ferguson happens everywhere and someone in Chicago who cares about other human beings might feel empathy and outrage and want to come and stand with the people in Ferguson. People in Chicago — who do not in fact live in Ferguson, or even in Missouri –might care about abuses perpetrated by police that they themselves do not have to live with in their immediate surroundings. We understand this might be a hard concept to grasp if you are a terrible person who thinks the natural state of people is to think only of themselves.

[ Washington Post / Huffington Post / KARG ]

When life spills lemons, do you refuse to cry and try to make lemonade? Or is that too much of a metaphorical mashup? At least a few sour tears were likely shed at the annoyance of a traffic snarl in California, when a truck carrying a load of citrus accidentally dumped hundreds of lemons across the highway.

All that good lemonade fodder went bumping and rolling around Interstate 15 near San Diego yesterday morning, reports The San Diego Union-Tribune, after two big rigs crashed into each other. All lanes but one were blocked for hours after the spill at about 8:25 a.m. yesterday, just in time for rush hour and a lot of sour faces.

One of the drivers told police he was going about 55 mph when he dropped his coffee cup and tried to grab it off the floor, a California Highway Patrol officers said.

As he resurfaced, he saw a slower truck in front of him but couldn’t stop in time, smacking into the back of the truck. That driver said he was only going about 25 mph as he drove up hill.

One driver suffered a minor injury to his elbow, while the other wasn’t hurt.

Traffic was backed up for miles until the lanes were cleaned and reopened about 11:45 a.m., with a sudden, mysterious proliferation of lemonade stands alongside the road, no doubt. At least, kids back in my day would’ve known to take advantage of such a situation. Because when life literally hands you lemons, you turn into a tiny capitalist.

Spilled lemons make for sour commute [San Diego Union-Tribune]

Whiskey, olive oil, truffle oil, and meat are some of life's finer pleasures. But more often than not, we pay too much for products that end up being a scam, or worse, no different than the cheap stuff. Here are just a few of the more popular types of artisanal goods you might be wasting money on.

Read more...

Found by Britt Alamo
I found this shopping list in a 1950s copy of the The Joy of Cooking.

Um, Sarah? Are you feeling okay?

Read more...

In the Hidden Language, Nat Towsen interviews an insider of a particular subculture in order to examine the terms and phrases created by that subculture to serve its own needs. This is language innate to an insider and incomprehensible, if not invisible, to an outsider.

Jeff Teller is a bit hoarse on Monday afternoon, though he speaks fluidly, with a genial familiarity. Tuesday is his one day off from working 13 or more hours a day as the head chef at M. Wells Steakhouse in Queens, New York, where running an open kitchen visible to diners keeps him in the spotlight.

“The major communication in any kitchen comes from the chef,” he explains. “You can be the greatest cook in the world, but you need to be able to communicate what you want and how to do it with the [fewest] words possible. When a kitchen runs really well, you don’t even have to speak.”

Jeff sat down and talked to me about the times when he does have to speak, and the shorthand that helps him achieve that desired economy of language.

GLOSSARY OF TERMS

Brackets denote paraphrasing by the author. All other text is directly quoted from Mr. Teller. Verbs have been conjugated to match common usage, rather than the infinitive form.

Covers: n. [The number of people that you’ll serve in a night.]

e.g.,  “Last night we did 115 covers.”

Four-Top: n. A table [for four].

See also: Two-top, three-top.

Deuce: n. A two-top [two people seated at a table].

The pass: n. The area where the chef stands to check all food that leaves the kitchen before it goes to the dining room.

POS: n. Point of Sales. Where you’ll put all your tickets.

Expediting: v. Running the service. The waiter will tell you when the guest is ready for their next course, and you tell the cooks when and what table you’re going on.

Fired/Ready to be Fired: adj. When I fire a ticket that means that we are plating it or are finishing the item, so each station knows what they need to do at that particular time. When I tell the kitchen what is fired, it is a basic summary of all things we should be working on at any given time.

e.g., “You are fired on three steaks, two fish and five fries.”

Going: Just another word for “fired.”

e.g., “We’re going on table 23.”

Working: [Another synonym for] fired.

86'd: adj. [Out of something, canceled, removed, or terminated from employment.]

e.g., “We’re out of fish for one day, so we're 86'd it.” “86 that.” “Can I 86 this plate?” “Patrick got 86'd.”

Ordered in!: exc. The chef has received an order from the waiter and the cooks should either begin to prepare it or have it ready to cook depending on the station they work.

Two minutes!: exc. You’re plating up, and everybody’s going at the same time. Everybody knows that in two minutes, we’re going up on this full order, and every single person has their role that they’re playing.

On the fly: adj. Right away.

Make it soigné: v. Make it nice. Make sure we’re really taking care of it.

e.g., Presentation. Don’t overcook the meat. Make sure to taste [along the way].

PPX: n. VIP. A person of interest. 

e.g., A friend of the house. Another chef. A purveyor. The owner of the restaurant.

In the shit/In the weeds: adj. When you’re really busy.

Behind: syn. Excuse me. You don’t say "excuse me", you say "behind."

The guy: n. Any object, at some point. You call everything "the guy." Comes from Andrew Carmellini. The guy could be this glass of water. When you explain that to a guy that’s worked for you for a while, they understand what guy you’re talking  about. That comes from working with somebody for a long time.

e.g., “Let me see the guy. Let me get guy. Let me get a piece of that guy. Cut me a piece of that guy.” 

Chocolate teapot: n. A useless person.

e.g., “As useless as a chocolate teapot.”

THE TAKEAWAY

Having never met Andrew Carmellini or worked in one of his restaurants, I have been using the guy to refer to any inanimate object (or person, or cat) since my childhood action figures. It’s a practice I thoroughly support. In the weeds is a great way to describe being so busy you can’t think about anything other than what is in front of your face. 86 it! is a nice alternative to 30 Rock’s popular no-questions-asked “shut it down!” (or my personal favorite, “nuke it!”). And when you need a way to say “VIP” that’s more VIP than “VIP," PPX will do quite nicely.

FURTHER READING

As Jeff explained to me, each restaurant develops its own set of terminology, so each could have its own glossary, but there are terms that are used in almost every kitchen. We chose to focus on these broader, pan-restaurant terms, as they reflect function and necessity across the industry.

To read about the specific terms unique to different New York City restaurants, read this piece from the New York Times. To see Jeff in the shit, visit M. Wells Steakhouse on a busy night.

Follow Nat Towsen on Twitter.

Many videos and photo projects promise a glimpse of life inside North Korea "as you've never seen it", but I believe this video by JT Singh and Rob Whitworth actually delivers the goods. It's one of those 3-minute time lapse portraits of a city that are in vogue, with the North Korean capital Pyongyang as its subject.

Time lapse videos are interesting because they show movement over long periods of time. The Western conception of North Korea is of a place frozen in time, so the time lapse view is highly instructive. (thx, jeff)

Update: Sam Potts, who travelled to Pyongyang and North Korea in 2012 and took these photos, finds this "deeply fake as filmmaking". From his Twitter acct:

Re the time lapse of Pyongyang video, it feels deeply fake as filmmaking, to me. Thus I mistrust it as a document of what real PY is like. You don't see any of the details to that reveal, even in PY, how very poor a country it is. Some of those buses didn't have tail lights. They had blocks of wood painted red to look like tail lights. And the library computers are incredibly poor quality.

Gizmodo's Alissa Walker also noted the propaganda-ish nature of the video. At the very least, the video is a dual reminder of the limitations of time lapse video in showing the whole story and of how manipulative attractively packaged media can be.

Tags: JT Singh   North Korea   Rob Whitworth   time lapse   video

Hey, look at these pretzel dicks.

Read more...

Authorities are investigating a serious crash at New York dirt track where a witness says Tony Stewart struck another driver with a car.

In the latest installment of his excellent series Ask A Native New Yorker, Jake Dobkin tackles the question of how to react to those people holding clipboards asking if you have a minute for the environment or gay rights or whatever. The short answer is ignore them with "EXTREME PREJUDICE".

This is because Clipboard People are grifters, who, in the name of various causes (Gay Rights, the Environment), have only a single aim: to get your credit card number authorized for recurring payments to a "charity." In fact, the majority of that money does not go to the charity, but goes to pay the salary of the Clipboarder, and the evil canvas organizations that employ them. Even worse, the Clipboarders are themselves exploited-often young idealists from less vicious places, they are brought to New York on the promise of helping a charity they believe in, only to find out they've been dragooned into a commission-based predatory marketing scheme.

Well, good because that's what I've been doing (for other reasons). Instead, give to an efficient charity listed on Charity Navigator.

Tags: charity   Jake Dobkin   NYC

The Internet Is Losing Its Shit Over Moms Losing Their Shit at Skate Parks